the mind of mrs. magoo

I have this inner urge to write – to spill out all that is in my head. There is so much going on inside the noggin’ of mine, I can’t seem to explain it all, so perhaps a list will suffice.

1. My children are growing by leaps and bounds and I am filled with delight and cannot wait for the Christmas season to be upon us and see it all through their eyes. Pookie Pie is going to love it this year and really “get” it. So exciting.

2. My Faith is still with me and every day I ask God to give me the patience with my children. I still miss going to church, I know I could find the time, but to juggle two kids at church by myself is nearly impossible. The Christmas season has me thinking a lot about it again.

3. I discovered Pandora and love it, it is like it can read what is on my brain sometimes, in terms of what I like for music. So very cool.

4. I discovered yesterday I have a fear of success. Like anything, life, work, success is as big as you want it to be. I know I am standing on the verge of something major and it scares me to death. Why I don’t know. Perhaps the fear that I will fail. Perhaps the fear that I will be beyond my comfort zone and safety of my little homebody lifestyle. I don’t make friends easily, I’ve always been pretty much a loner…I’m the girl that goes out with friends and wonders the whole time if I’m saying the right things or if I’m being judged for my style or lack there of. Ha! I’m not very social, but love to socialize. When I am presented with a new client, I feel myself digging my heels in, with fear of perhaps what they might expect out of me. I guess this is where I need to listen to may parents advice to just be myself. I do know I am good enough.

As if you couldn’t tell, I don’t know where I am going with all of this.

5. Everything fall is upon us and I want sun and crisp leaves and warm sweatshirts and sweaters and baking….oh the baking. Love it.

And on that note, I am off to attempt to put away piles of clean laundry, while juggling dishes with the other hand, changing diapers with another and running errands all before lunch and nap time.

I love my life and all it’s craziness.

I’ll leave you with a photo from our apple picking the other week.

Now I want to make apple pie.

Happy Wednesday everyone!

As of late, I have not been blogging. Surprise! Surprise!

I have been so incredibly busy with my boys…and well, cannot find much of anything that is interesting to say…or maybe like it isn’t worth saying, I’m not sure. I had my photography exhibit over the summer and it was really exciting. I was pretty darn proud of myself, even if it was just a little library showing. I have to say that once my exhibit was up, I found this inner peace about myself, that I have not had, ever. A sense of just being content of where I am.

This photography thing is exciting, it’s nice to have a little business all to myself and to share my art form with others who are willing to be the subject on the other end of my lens…and who hire me for the work that I produce. I know a lot of photographers out there, who own there own business my be snubbing their nose at me or what have you, saying that I don’t have what it takes to have a successful business…but I’m OK with that. My success has already been made, in the fact that I have an outlet of my very own, a way to express myself and share with others the beauty that is in our lives.

Again, I feel at peace. I feel finally, at peace with being a mom. I know that sounds strange to say, coming from a mom of two, with her oldest who is well over age three…but I am at peace with it and I think it is because I was able to carve out a little piece of this life for myself again, just something I was able to call my own, even for just a moment in time. No matter what though, my babies come first. My family comes first and I’m good with that. I feel successful and it is a good feeling (even though my oldest makes me feel like I don’t know what the heck I am doing as a mom).

Life has taken on it’s own form as of late. It seems every day is jam packed with taking care of the two kidlets and the home and photography. I wish I had something more inspiring to write. Something prolific and uplifting and hilarious all at the same time…but life has been boring, and I’m good with that.

Now if I could just get my act together and find my path to Hospice Photography….more on that another time.

It’s hard not to push your kids sometimes…and when I don’t I think I’m being a pushover. I now laugh when I hear people say “can’t that parent control his/her kids?” and the fact of the matter is, they can and they can’t. Sure you can discipline and hope for the best….but all in all each person is his/her own unique individual and has his/her own free will. It’s tough as a parent to walk that thin line between being a complete and utter control freak and just letting your kids be kids.

We decided recently to take a break with the potty training for Little Magoo. We were miserable…and where he knows how to go on the potty he was not getting the when part just right. Resulting in more than numerous accidents that he didn’t even realize he had soiled himself or didn’t even bother to tell us so and was not recognizing the signs that he had to go…frustration on everyone’s part and after a week and a half we have called it quits.

Part of me feels like a failure and part of me just knows as a mother, that he will just get it one day, when he is ready. I truly wish to be done with diapers, but he just isn’t quite there yet and it seems that he has to find the self satisfaction in doing it all himself. No amount of candy, toys, stickers, praise was getting him to actually want to use that potty himself. Gosh, sometimes he really is a tough nut to crack…but I tell you, when he is determined, watch out. We will nudge him little by little until maybe he thinks it is his idea.

Yesterday we went to the zoo with the kids for the first time and they loved it. I watched their faces light up as they looked at all the animals they had never seen up close before – it was spectacular. Come bedtime we were all exhausted. Pookie has been giving me a hard time going to bed sometimes so I have taken to climbing in his crib with him and just laying with him for a bit and it helps. Last night I climbed in again…and thought as he put his finger to his lips and said “shhh” and pretended to snore…how some day I won’t have that anymore. The laying in the beds with my kids as they wind down from activities of the day. The cuddles. I won’t have them forever.

I laid down with Little Magoo too in his bed as he rambled on and on and on….and on about all of the things he saw at the zoo. I watched his eyes as they were filled with wonder and his little lips moves as he spoke in that sweet little voice, my arm draped over his body. I might have much rather just put them in bed and be done with it, collapsing in my couch in silence. I’m glad I took the time to enjoy them, something I don’t always do…or forget to do. But it reminds me of how small they both still are and how much they still need me, nurturing them, encouraging them and believing in them.

My baby…my Pookie Pie, turned 18 months.

How can that be?

He is such a big boy now. It makes me both sad and proud.

We began the weaning process a couple of weeks ago – and last night was the last night for me nursing my little Pooks. He won’t be happy tonight, but he knows I still love him. It is a joy to have my body back to myself after being pregnant 4 years ago, then breastfeeding, then immediately pregnant again and onto breastfeeding.

It’s funny…I found myself wanting to be totally detached from my children, to have my own space and now I miss it. I had my Artist’s Reception this past weekend…and it is funny. Now that it is over and my work is being displayed…I feel that a part of me is complete and satisfied…a part of me that felt the pursuit to go after photography in the first place, is quenched. I had something all for myself and now I feel complete as a person and feel that I can focus more positive energies to my children. I finally did something that was all for me, for my inner soul. And it felt fantastic….and I feel whole now….and that I don’t have the internal struggle I felt before – something tugging my mind that I needed to express, but could not find the way.

This leads me to more thought provoking things…now that my boys are getting older too – I find myself fighting internally with the question of a third child. This inner biological desire to procreate…I am left with the question that causes me to balance on the fence – Do you follow your head or your heart? Which is the right answer? Just when I think I am 99% sure one way…that 1% creeps in and gets me thinking the other way.

Sometimes A lot of times I feel like a failure as a mother. Little Magoo is at that age of constant testing and exploring and pushing his limits…and it’s tough. I love him to pieces, but a lot of the times, I feel like just packing my bags and calling it a day and just walking away from it all – like he is just hopeless.

It seems like every day is full of me screaming at him in one way or another…and I don’t like it…and I feel hopeless and sad and like things are just not working the way I am parenting. That I need to change my parenting in some way and find something that does work. The constant fiddling with a recipe until it reaches perfection…and needs fiddling again, because this time it doesn’t taste just right.

The other morning I attempted to put away the 18 million laundry baskets lining our master bedroom. Clean laundry, mind you. I sorted and sorted and got together a basket of Little Magoo’s things. We all went to his room, while Mr. Magoo cut the grass. It started off OK, Pookie Pie attempting to help me, by getting a sweatshirt (yes, it is summer…I tell you we live out of laundry baskets) and putting it in the incorrect drawer. Then the boys started pulling books out all over, laundry all over, chucking a ball into the wall and hiding behind closet doors where fingers can get pinched, while I attempted to look at sizes of clothes that needed to be put away and what clothing should remain out.

Overwhelmed. Yelling, screaming, total frustration.

I was done. Downstairs we journied for lunch. I got lunch together and sat with the boys while they at and began to cry.

“I don’t want to yell at you boys. I don’t want to scream anymore. I’m sorry. I’ll try to be a better mommy. It isn’t nice when I scream.”

Little Magoo: “Have a carrot, Mommy.” Pookie Pie put his head against my arm.

“No thank you…I’m sorry boys.”

Little Magoo: “Mommy, you need to get yourself some lunch.”

And you know what, I did. I was hungry and didn’t even know it. It’s funny how children sometimes know more than you do – how forgiving they are, how caring and perceptive they can be. How sometimes, they can teach you things, verses the other way around.

I know, I know. It has been far too long. It seems the older my children get, the less energy I have the less focus I have, perhaps. Anyways, it has been quite a while since you have heard from me, no?

Things have been wonderful, lately. Mr. Magoo is on summer vacation from work (for the most part) and we have just been thoroughly enjoying being as a family. My garden is starting to grow vegetables, which I just find amazing. I’ve sewed their tiny seeds and now I truly see the fruits of my labor. It’s an amazing thing. I just hope I don’t come across a tomato caterpillar. I’m warning you. Do. Not. Google.

Little Magoo has been such a ham, lately. A testy, feisty, little ham..I can’t help but laugh at some things he says. Pookie Pie is getting so big. It makes me want to cry. It does. I have started the weaning process with him, after many other attempts…17 months strong of nursing. But it is time for the two of us to part in that portion of our lives together. I will miss that closeness…Oh gosh, here come the water works again….

At any rate…I encourage him, tell him how big he is getting, how proud I am of him and how much I still love him and he knows it; he is capable. My little love.

We have added a little addition to our family.

Little Rex Murray (Murray is his middle name – Little Magoo calls him “Murray Sparkles…you know, from Sesame Street). He is such a patient little kitty and loves to snuggle when sleeping…it is so great to have him. Mind you, I am not a cat person at all (Mr. Magoo is), but I adore this little kitty.

I have also been busy with my photography. I officially registered my business and currently have my work on exhibit at a local library. It is all very exciting and nerve wracking all wrapped into one. I started to get swept away in the idea of my business, how to get clients, to make my business known. Then one night while looking up info on SEO’s I said to myself: “What AM I doing?” My kids are my priority, they are my everything. Sometimes it is hard not to get swept up. But like I’ve said before, if my business does great, wonderful, if I’m out of business in five years, that’s OK too. I’d be happy with 4-5 clients a year.

Life is too short to miss out on my dreams, but even shorter to miss out on my kids growing up. They need me as much as I need them. I was glad for perspective.

At any rate, I hope summer is going well for all – and I hope to post more with all of our summer on-goings

Peace out!

Sometimes I feel like my best just isn’t good enough.

It seems like I have felt that way my whole life and I am not really sure why. Perhaps it is “youngest child syndrome” or just me taking things too personally. Perhaps it is God’s way of making me push myself just that little bit more…

I’ve always felt I’ve had to yell the loudest to be heard…often sat back and said to myself “Oh, maybe they didn’t hear me. I’m talking too quietly.”…or even worse “Maybe they don’t care to listen to what I have to say.” In conversations with people, friends or family, it is inevitable that I was and still am, bowled over by others in conversation and just left to retreat inwards to my own thoughts. In conversing with others, I could say one thing and five minutes later, someone else could say the same exact thing…yet the other person would be the one to be heard.

I don’t know why it bothers me, it always has. Doesn’t everyone want to be heard on their own accord? Validated? Rather than left with the phrase “oh well, you’re best just was not good enough.”

“You’re not good enough.”

I think that often – not only in conversations, but with my own skills…as a photographer, as a wife, as a mother. One bad day can send me reeling for many and leaving me thinking that I am a horrible mother who cannot control her own children. That I am a terrible listener for my husband. That I am unsupported by loved ones in my art form, so I must be horrible at it, right?

Then I see myself in the mirror and think “snap out of it!!”

Because in the long run, I know that I am good enough and if my words fall on deaf ears, it is not meant to be heard to anyone but me.

“Good, better, best. Never let it rest. ‘Til the good is better and your better is best.” ~ St. Jerome

I feel like summer is really upon us now, even though it does not begin for another week or so…and it has been great.

Having kids has really brought me back to the goodness of summer – getting sprayed with ice cold water from a hose, popsicles and ice cream, outdoor play until the sun and heat cast it’s sleepy spell….it’s wonderful. I don’t miss the cold winter days one bit.

I have been busy with my boys and I have been terrible at documenting it. Today we went to a local splash pad and after enduring some tantrums, we had a wonderful picnic with friends and finally cooled off in the water. Every time I head outside with my kids or go on an adventure, I pause and think about grabbing my camera, but always decide to leave it behind and just be in the moment with them….and it has been great.

Sometimes you just have to be in the moment. It’s a hard thing to do…whether you are trying to capture a moment to remember from behind the camera, or getting annoyed with your child, or just trying to get daily chores done. Being in the moment is a difficult thing to do…but when you take the time to relax and just be, it feels so wonderful.

I am looking forward to lots of moments this summer….a wedding, baby shower, more time outside with the kids, walks, exploring, picking strawberries and blueberries, bowling for the first time….this summer is going to be pure goodness.

This week has been unbelievably beautiful. First we had the hot and the humid, which I could do without…but then some nasty storms rolled into New England.

(please excuse the dirt on my window. I swear I did wash them this spring!)

Most of New England was under a tornado watch (or as Little Magoo would say, “Tomato”) and at least two tornados touched down in Massachusetts. It was very scary seeing as I have loved ones in the areas that were hit the hardest. Thank God for technology though, in terms of being able to keep in touch.

After the storms, the coolness settled in.

This morning we spent practically all morning at the park until my kids were practically begging to go home. Little Magoo isn’t shy at all and quickly ran up to the kids already there, eager to play and to make new friends. No one wanted to play with him right away. I get sad when kids don’t want to play with my boy, but eventually they did. It was great though. They ate lunch after a little meltdown and then easily down for naps. Naptime has become my ritual where I take care of my other babies.

My flowers, fruits and vegetables. I was so happy to finally get all my seedlings in the ground this weekend and plant some wildflower seeds. We did have one giant sunflower growing at a good clip…but sadly this morning, I found it mangled like all the other sunflowers I grew…bitten and chewed *sigh*

As I watered my garden today, I was so thrilled to see this.

My vegetables’ first flower. Can I just tell you how happy this makes me? Honestly, I am not a great gardener by any means…I truly know nothing about gardening other than…don’t over water, don’t over feed, watch for critters on the plants, stick the plants in the ground and hope everything works out for the best.

But these plants are extra special to me – I had pepper and tomato plants at my parents’ when I was little…but we always bought seedlings. These bad boys….I 100% grew from seed. It is amazing to me and I couldn’t be prouder of these little babies.