The things I say here, I don’t really want to discuss…but I have to.
Anyone who REALLY knows me, knows that I have a pretty deep faith. It isn’t something I often talk about or advertise as it is just really personal to me…my connection and relationship with God. The past three years have been a whirlwind to say the least. I tried to keep up with going to church every Sunday and on Holy Days if I could…but with a squirmy baby that would screech, who then turned into an untameable toddler…and then add another baby to the mix, with no cry room, nursery and only me to watch them…it came down to how much I was actually paying attention to what was being said at the Mass. Not to mention, it seems that every Mass my local church or churches have on Sundays always falls the smack dab in the middle of one of the Littles’ naps. And having to nurse someone down to nap or go to Mass, not pay attention and race home in a panic to get a nap in….I chose to just not go.
Church has always been my way to center myself for the week. My mode of meditation. My peace in the calm of chaos. I’m not worried about God loving me less, because going to church, for me, is just a place to focus on our relationship more. Lately I had been feeling like I was missing something in my life and I know that it is God.
That being said…I have always believed in an afterlife. Always. Until recently…and I don’t know why…it even has me questioning if there is God at all or is He just some made up “thing” so people can make themselves feel better for all that goes on in the world and in their lives. I can’t help but feel, now, that when you die, that is it. You are gone. Forever.
I asked Mr. Magoo this recently, what he thought as a non-believer of God and he said me most certainly believed in an afterlife and some higher power. But really now, I just don’t know. I know that Faith and Doubt go hand in hand and it is natural to doubt ones Faith or even the existence of God. Faith is believing without proof. But I just cannot help but believe that there is just nothing after we are gone. That is it. Life is done. You only carry on in the memories of others. It is a strange thing to think, but oddly, I’m OK with it because I am trying to live at my fullest until my story is over. I think that is all you can ask for, to have a full life, full of Love. Because when it is over, that is all that will remain.
There is Love.
